When I first decided to reblog this post, I thought I wouldn’t have words to write as an introduction. Then it occurred to me that I read about a group of mothers who lost their babies to adoption, and two adoptees, all who are a generation younger than I am. I look at the photos on the blog’s page, faces of young children, faces of young parents. Yes, I was there once. And I teetered on the brink of suicide for most of my adult life . I am currently about a month and a half away from my 59th birthday. Forty years ago, almost 41 years ago, when I was 18, I was found by natural family I was never supposed to know. Then turmoil ensued in my adoptive homelike and in my inner self as I numbly went through meeting natural family, beginning at my age then and continued for the next few years. I felt the wrath and disgust of extended family from both sides berate me, pick on me, while only a handful were actually, lovingly, my true family. Through it all, I have been suicidal for most of the past 40 years. Nightmares began that very first night. Sweats, shaking, sobbing alone and in public, fear, anxiety, panic, feeling as though I didn’t know my surroundings, feeling confused, feeling angry that it all was happening — I thought I was alone. Twenty years into reunion, a few years after my divorce, I tried to kill myself in front of my children. It wasn’t planned. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was in psychological pain from constant attacks invading my personal life. I was in psychological pain from the condition of being adopted. Now, as I grow older, my anxiety is somewhat controlled; but it is still there. Adoption is loss, adoption is pain. And now, I see another generation suffer in similar ways that I did. I read about a younger adoptee who completed suicide. And his friends are left in tears.
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Killing Me Softly With No Words
I’ve felt like a “trapped animal” so many times in my lifetime. I’ve been suicidal, many times. Being adopted is like being totally alone. And I am a domestically-born adoptee. Here are thoughts from “an Asian face in a predominantly white world…” ….
In honor of National Adoption Awareness Month, oh, sing me those blues, Ms. Holiday!
“Them that’s got shall have,
Them that’s not shall lose.
So the Bible said and it still is news.
Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child that’s got his own…”
I’m looking out of our kitchen window at the first major snowfall of the season as I’m writing, and though it’s visually beautiful, there’s something about the muffled quiet and the bitter cold of a snowy winter that puts my mind in a state of solitude and melancholic introspection.
This particular day, it reminds me of how alone I am…
Alone, because odds are good that I will never know my original family.
Alone, because my adoptive family does not get me. At all.
Alone, because I’m an Asian face in a predominantly white world, and I’m reminded of that every day.
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Link to Blog Post on Adoptive-Parent-Wanna-bees on Crowd Funding
Do I even have to say I think it would be a better use of money to “crowdfund” a woman’s keeping her baby? I hope I don’t.
Here’s yet another article that might as well have been written with the sole purpose of showing how little adoption is about the best interests of the child and how much it is about the desires of adults.
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LOUISIANA U.S. REPRESENTATIVE CANDIDATE LEE DUGAS SUPPORTS ADOPTEES RIGHTS!
At the request of my dear friend, Sandy Musser, President of ALARM – Advocating Legislation for the Adoption Reform Movement
I am re-printing the following letter just in time for voters in Louisiana.
LOUISIANA U.S. REPRESENTATIVE CANDIDATE LEE DUGAS SUPPORTS ADOPTEES RIGHTS!!! SPREAD THE WORD QUICKLY!!
Our ALARM Rep, Cryptic Omega, received a personal note from U.S. Representative Candidate Lee Dugas after asking her where she stood on our Adoptee Rights issue. This was her wonderful response:
_________________________________________________________
From: ldugas2001@cox.net
Date:11/03/2014 07:58 (GMT-06:00)
Subject: Re: A question before I vote.This is very close to my heart, I was adopted myself, and I know how hard it is to get information to find where you fit in, as well as your history and who you are.
About 3 years ago through an Adoption web site, I was contacted and have since met my birth mother and one of my half sisters. I am the oldest of 3. I’ve also met my step brother and two aunts, as well, and they’ve all lived in Louisiana all these years.
I am a firm believer that information should be made available to Adoptees. I am a Disabled Desert Storm Vet and it was difficult getting medical history, but I was able to do so when I met them. We used to meet for lunch every week until mom got too sick to be left alone, but I still keep in touch with them.
Most people know their backgrounds but a lot of us don’t and knowing where we are from is very, very Important. So to answer your question, I believe that ALL information should be viewable by the adoptee, and I will be happy to work on that. Like I told a reporter when asked why not the state office, I told her that was simple. Because what needs to be done has to be done at the National level!
If you have any more questions, I will be more than happy to answer them. And if you are in the Metairie area, join us on election night.
Have a Blessed Day,
Lee Ann Dugas
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Searching for a Relative Lost to Adoption? Search Angels Can Help
Here is an informative article for people who are searching for a relative lost to adoption:
Looking for Your Family Identity or Lost Relative? Get to Know Search Angels
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Promoting Zara Phillips – Beneath My Father’s Sky
Promoting an excellent one-woman play by my friend, Zara Phillips:
Play will take place today and November 23 in New York City.
I’ve seen it in San Fransisco in April, twice. I highly recommend it.
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How do adoptees feel about Shel Silverstein’s book “The Giving Tree”?
Ahhh… another review about the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.
The author of this article mentions, among other things, the fascination of orphan-hood to children who aren’t orphans.
As adoptees, we don’t know our conception and birth truths. We grow up not knowing.
For me, I hated stories and movies of orphans because I grew up knowing that my mother died and that’s how I became adopted by two people who became my parents. The horrible truth actually happened to me. Other kids could hide in their fantasies, relieved that they aren’t orphans after all. But not me.
I never read The Giving Tree until recently. I do not like this book. I look at it from an adult’s perspective. And from an educated adoptee’s perspective.
I see the anguish on the old man’s (the boy) face as he sits down on the tree’s stump. Is he realizing his or the tree’s life as a wasted life? Is he saying, “ What did I do?”
A tree (mother) who gave everything. An unselfish mother or a mother who lacks confidence to say no?
Would a male tree do the same? Would a little girl growing up do the same?
As adoptees, what does this say about our adoptions?
As adoptees, do we see this book differently?
What do mothers of children lost to adoption think of The Giving Tree?
Afterthought:
In reading the Comments Section, one stood out:
“I rather thought the point of the story was that we sometimes don’t realize how much the people in our lives love us and appreciate them as we should- but the ones who truly love us continue to love us anyway. i thought it was to teach a child appreciation and awareness.”
To which, I replied:
“Yours is the only response that redeems this book to me. Thank you.”
In retrospect, yes, I suppose The Giving Tree does teach a child appreciation and awareness. That is what my daughter said she felt about this book when she was a child. She read it at summer camp.
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Adoptee Suicide
The author of this blog post, Elle Cuardaigh, states: “I never felt my mother abandoned me. I never felt abandoned. But I have felt keenly alone.
Enough to kill myself.”
It is the alone-ness that eats at me. Adoption did not provide for me a better life. Sure, during my childhood, I had it good. But I was raised as an only child. I was alone. Meanwhile, my adoptive parents and all of my extended adoptive family knew I was not alone. I was really the youngest of five children. I was intentionally kept apart from my full blood siblings. And then they found me. And the bickering between me and my adoptive parents began. And me being attacked by the rest of my adoptive family, save but a few. And then the attacks upon me by the very siblings who found me. I was different, not like them, spoiled, they said. I should shut up, do not write about my adoption-reunion. Too bad. I am. Because I stand up for myself, I am alone.
I promised my cousin a few nights ago that I would not kill myself. With a handful of relatives who love me, I realize I am not alone. They know what adoption did to me.
When L’wren Scott took her own life, those of us in the adoption community said, “Another.”
It was so recent that Charlotte Dawson had done the same:
http://kimcoull.com/2014/02/26/adoption-trauma-farewell-charlotte-dawson/
These two celebrity deaths made us take notice of a recent study, although many of us did not need “proof”:
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/810625
Adoptees are four times more likely than the non-adopted to attempt suicide. And those who attempt suicide are much more likely to actually die that way.
We are the lucky ones, aren’t we. The fortunate. The chosen. The ones who weren’t aborted, as we are so often reminded. So we’d better be grateful. By the same line of reasoning, we were thrown away. Abandoned. And to even think about “those people” is betrayal to the ones who raised us, our real parents.
So why are we killing ourselves?
L’wren Scott and Charlotte Dawson should have been Successful Adoption poster children…
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Adoption Trauma: Farewell Charlotte Dawson
For many reasons, I’ve been thinking about adoptees and suicide. This dark subject haunts me. I battle depression and suicidal ideation nearly every day. The pain of my life as a bullied adoptee means that I must constantly renew my promise (not to kill myself) to those who love me. Despite the bullying directed at me, there are people who love me. People who would be crushed if I were to complete a suicide attempt.
I made a promise to my cousin a few days ago, that I would not succumb to my thoughts of wanting to die. It’s strange how a call out of the blue can be both sad and uplifting at the same time.
Though I never knew Charlotte Dawson, we had adoption in common. And being mocked, stalked, and bullied on Twitter.
![images[10]](https://forbiddenfamily.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/images10.jpg)
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FORBIDDEN FAMILY 
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