BASTARD NATION STATEMENT ON HAITIAN ADOPTIONS AND “BABYLIFTS”

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http://bastardnation.blogspot.com/2010/01/bastard-nation-statement-on-haitian.html

Tuesday, January 19, 2010 

BASTARD NATION STATEMENT ON HAITIAN ADOPTIONS AND “BABYLIFTS”
Please distribute freely

For the last week, Bastard Nation, like the rest of the world, has been watching the devastation of Haiti. The images are frightening, sad, and heartrending, especially those of the children.

We have also watched with alarm the rush to rescue Haitian children by adoption. Within three days of the earthquake, Catholic Charities of Miami had set up a scheme modeled on Operation Pedro Pan, a joint State Department-CIA-Miami Diocese project in the early 1960s to separate children from their parents, creating young pawns in the US war against the Castro government. Although “Operation Pierre Pan” in Haiti is on hold, at least for now, numerous evangelical churches and ministries, adoption agencies, secular organizations, unfinalized adoptive parents and other individuals–many with conflicts of interest–have joined the rescue mission call to remove children immediately, no matter what their family status, to the US for the purpose of adoption.

Haiti is still under rubble. Aid is slow to arrive. Survivors are spread out in shelters and camps, or live in the streets. The dead are unnumbered, unknown, and unnamed. Family members continue to search for each for other, and it will take weeks or even months for final conciliation.

The rush to relocate orphans, quasi-orphans, and potential orphans internationally is ripe for coercion and fraud. Adoption agencies, church agencies, and ministries especially–along with fraudulent and predatory “child welfare” agents–have much to gain from fast removal. The trafficking of Haitian children for sex, servitude, and adoption operated in Haiti before the quake. It certainly operates now. The unethical and possibly unlawful mass transfer of traumatized children, many with family status unknown, to foreign shelters, foster care, and adoption agencies, removed from their culture and language, with little hope of family reunification cannot be allowed or tolerated. We urge US State Department and other US authorities in Haiti to (1) remove private special interests and those with conflicts of interest, such as adoption agencies and ministries, from the child welfare decision-making process and (2) halt the evacuation of children and their placement for adoption in the US.

We also urge the State Department to suspend pending adoptions. Haitian paperwork is lost or destroyed. Rock Cadet, the judge most responsible and knowledgeable about pipeline cases, died in the quake. Though the US Embassy survived, US paperwork is probably unavailable for some time, if it still exists. Without proof of Haitian court or Embassy status, any adoption removal from the country, without thorough background investigation and due process, is illegal and not in the best interest of the child

Needless to say, no new adoptions should be processed.

In the post-quake chaos, children need protection from predatory snatchers. Bastard Nation, therefore, supports the expedited removal of Haitian children, orphans or otherwise, to credible and documented parents or family members in the US for temporary or permanent placement depending on the circumstances. These children must not be assumed adoptable and scooped up for fast-track adoption. They should be a top priority. We urge the State Department or other government or credible private and disinterested agencies to assist Haitians in the US to locate child kin and bring them to the US.

We understand why people want to open their arms and hearts to the children of the Haitian earthquake, but adoption is not emergency or humanitarian aid or a solution to Haiti’s ongoing problems. The immediate rescue effort in Haiti should focus on emergency services, individual and family care and family reunification, not family, community, and cultural destruction and the strip-mining of children.

This statement has been faxed to the US State Department.

Email from Lola – An Adoptive Parent Repulsed by This Blog!

Lola writes:

I would be ashamed to post the awful things you have on your blog.  I hope you get flamed constantly!  There are orphans in this world that need homes.  Why don’t you adopt some and stop whining?!  Learn what it’s like from the other side as an adoptive parent!  You make me sick!  You need therapy, not a blog.  Being so anti-adoption may be good for your mind, but it certainly hurts all those kids in foster care.  Don’t they deserve a home away from the abusive people that gave birth to them?  Those kids are taken away FOR A REASON!  Hello! Get a clue!  You may be unthankful for being adopted, but ask a 10 year old in the foster system or in an orphanage if they want a Mom & Dad…ask a kid waiting to come home to the US in Haiti right now where they would rather be!  I think you would be surprised by the answer!

Dear Lola,

Getting flamed is not an issue for me since I am paying for this website and am in constant contact with my webhost tech support.

I lived a life of torture and still am — at the hands of my adoptive family and natural family, too, not all, but enough to cause me considerable pain and anguish. Read my book for full details of the crimes committed against me by my adoptive family and others.

Lola, you are the one who is having an emotional reaction to my life. If you can’t take reading the terrible things done to adoptees (I’m not the only one) you are the one who needs therapy. There are thousands of adoptees and our natural parents who have been organizing since 1955 in America and around the world to expose the disgusting treatment we have received: examples: Adoptive parents who are lawyers have destroyed paperwork on their own adoptee’s birthparents. That’s a crime against that lawyer’s own adopted child! Adoptive parents who treat their adoptees like slaves and sex objects – like the rich couple who imprisoned a girl from a foreign country to do their household chores like Cinderella, and the Russian girl, Masha, was adopted by a pedophile and repeatedly raped and then she was freed and adopted by another woman who gave up on Masha and voided the adoption. So much abuse in adoption.

Lola, criticism from people such as you does not bother me. You only have an opinion of what you read. You do not know me personally and you do not know how this adoption has affected me and my children. They were also abused and mistreated by the relatives who mistreated me. The destruction of adoption lies and discrimination and prejudice scars adoptees and their children for life.

Lola, you can attack me all you want, but remember: in my book, I have published proof that our government has defrauded millions of adoptees by the practice of seizing our birth certificates, sealing them permanently, issuing materially false statements on a new, amended Certificate of Live Birth in the new adoptive name and naming the adoptive parents as parents of birth. This is fraud and perjury. If that happened to you, you might feel a tad bit offended, pissed off, and disgusted.

I was 18 years old when I had the shock of my life, and then my adoptive parents yelled at me, threw pots and pans at me, and acted as if I had done something horrific. No, I was found by siblings that they knew I had and they prevented me from a continued and meaningful relationship with them because my adoptive parents wanted me all to themselves. Any parents who would do that today would be up on child abuse charges. The only reason they got away with that is because my father signed relinquishment papers.

Do not blame my natural father for it, either. He was used, first by the good old Catholic Church and then by a child-stealer who was procuring a baby for her brother. No one helped my father in his grief that he lost his wife to an early death. No one helped my father keep his kids together. And all you, Lola, can think about are the so-called orphans in orphanages.

I have said this before but it needs repeating: Children who need homes can very easily have those homes through legal Guardianship and not adoption. Guardianship provides a legal guardian (a single person or a couple) who provide a safe, loving, and permanent home for children who need a home. If children cannot be raised by their natural parents, this is a far better alternative than total and complete adoption. Even “open” adoption is not a safe alternative due to the sealing of the child’s birth certificate and a replacement, “new” birth certificate in the child’s new adoptive name and adoptive parents named as parents by birth. Adoptive parents cop an attitude of ownership over the child and see the parents of birth as inferior.

With Guardianship, a child’s legal birth name, legal birth certificate, and status as the child of one and only one set of parents is protected. The legal guardian is under legal obligation to act legally and lovingly for the child as a parent would, as foster parents do, and as adoptive parents do, but they do not have the “advantage” of the law sealing the child’s birth certificate, replacing it with a new one with the guardians’ names on it and changing the child’s name and identity for all eternity.

In situations where the safety of the child is concerned, better to remove a child from the danger, but retain the child’s identity and relationships with that parent or parents. Adoption erases the existing problem as to why removal of children seems necessary, but, the adoptee faces lifelong harm from adoption and must face those issues later in life.

Yes, I am completely anti adoption. No adoption under any circumstances. Not even to save the Haitian children from starving to death after the earthquake. Good grief I hear that refrain already…Family Preservation at all costs, even if their parents are dead, there are other relatives who would be lost to them in adoption by foreigners.

I am not ashamed for anything I write. The only people who are flaming me are my own stupid family members who do not want me to write about my life. Foreign governments and Social Service Agencies throughout America and other countries are reading my website: Australia, New Zealand and South Africa, to name a few. Why? Because there are active adoption reform movements in those countries who have achieved what America needs: drastic reform in adoption.

I worked in foster care and in homeless shelters where I have seen kids removed from their parents solely due to poverty, not abuse. Even in the cases of abuse, those parents are still parents and those kids were born of those parents. By your way of thinking, Lola, adoption should totally erase the past and give these poor kids a new and better life. Wrong. Kids do not forget what has happened and they must cope with it all. Subjecting kids to the total identity change of adoption and forbidding them any knowledge of or contact with their own blood kin is child abuse. I’ve been at this adoption reform activism and advocacy for very near 36 years. I’ve worked in and around foster care, troubled youth, homeless families, crisis centers and disadvantaged families for my entire adult life. I went to court with an 18 year old that aged-out of the foster care system and went out on his own because he had no family. He bought me a rose from a street vendor because I cared enough to see him through that last year. He faced the reality of his life and was a strong young man. I did the same for an 18 year old young woman. She was all alone at the end of the court proceeding. Both of these kids went through foster care with their parents in what-ever state that left them incapable of taking care of their children, but both of these young adults had their birth identities intact, had their personal histories, had the rough experiences of foster care, but they also had a determination to press forward and do something with their lives. They also were free to establish some type of relationship with their parents, which they said was important for them to figure out. And they both thanked me for being at their sides when they stepped out of that court room to face the world. Adoption would have stripped them of their names, their birth certificates, and their families. Guardianship would have provided a home and loving family while giving them the right to their own birth identities. Guardianship conveys freedom, adoption conveys possession.

Oh yes, and lets all go over to Haiti to adopt all those poor orphans! That will solve these black kids’ problems, right? No it won’t! Being adopted by foreigners of a different race is an inner struggle for Transracial Abductees: go see their website under my Links page and here. They will face prejudice in this lily-white biased country of ours who hates Obama for being a “light-skinned black man”. You prospective adoptive parents who think it is the loving thing to do to go to Haiti and adopt their children — do you know what emotional damage that will do to these children who have lived through the trauma of an earthquake? They have seen their parents and other relatives die and you want to put a band aid on that by taking them away from that devastation? Do you not see that taking care of them in their own country is the best solution? I suggest you read some other blogs about taking kids for adoption out of Haiti. The Daily Bastdardette: HAITI: OPERATION PIERRE PAN POSTPONED; POLITICIANS PANDER. In that blog post alone, Bastardette has many links to a wealth of information.   You will be shocked by what you read. World organizations are advising against adopting kids out of Haiti for the very reasons I have just stated, and more.

Lola, be thankful that you have led a most comfortable life. Do not suggest that I adopt! I wouldn’t do such a horrible thing to a child! My life was ruined because of adoption.

My goal is to change adoption laws and social policy so that what happened to me will never happen to another child, ever. To be lied to, to be prevented from knowing my own siblings, to be forbidden to grieve the death of my mother, to not ever be taken to her graveside — those are crimes of child abuse perpetrated upon me by my own adoptive parents. That is sick perversion and possession of a human being.

My adoptive mother is dying in a nursing home right now. She has not once acknowledged the damage she caused me. But she is happy that I used a photograph her brother took of me as an infant for my book’s cover. She gets tears in her eyes because she is happy that I have reached my goal of publication. Maybe she cannot accept the horror of the crimes she and others committed against me, but she is happy for me to be published and encourages me to attend the next AAC Adoption Conference. Mom has realized the importance of the falsified birth certificate as being fraudulent. She has realized that her actions and that of other adoptive relatives and my dead mother’s relatives “were cruel” to my natural father, she said so this past summer. My mother now knows the destructive words said to me by my loving adoptive cousins: “Joan, you OPENLY declare you have two fathers, so you must not love this father. We don’t want you here…” at my adoptive father’s funeral in 1982. I had been in a reunion with my natural father and many other relatives for nearly 9 years at that point. The hate directed at me from prejudicial relatives was their inability to let me live my own life.

My adoptive Mom has also lived the destructiveness and spiteful hate from my own full-blood sisters who not only attacked me because they (like you) did not want me to write anything about my adoption (see my horrible articles in the Buffalo News in MY ARCHIVES page) that they repeatedly abused my mother and my kids and my ex-husband by hate phone calls and hate mail and false child abuse charges. Normal people will let go and let the other person live free from contact. Continued harassment because I am an adoption reformer is completely out of line. There is no reason for my sisters to attack my adoptive mother, but they have. My mother is dying. We need to resolve what we can and live in peace, yet, my sisters are still out there harassing me. I have no contact with them for a number of years into our reunion, and do not want contact from them because of their destructive behavior to me, my children, my adoptive mother, and my ex-husband. Why would I want to build relationships with people who have mocked me for decades and now want in on the action because my book is published? Or because they now want to be a part of adoption reform when they mocked me for being in adoption reform since I was 18? They are filled with nothing but malicious slander and defamation toward me. Every word I write is the truth. Even my ex-husband and my young adult children will attest to the hateful behavior of my relatives toward me and to them. Even my adoptive mother deserves respect as my mother, instead, she was mistreated by my blood sisters by false child abuse charges claiming she was sexually abusing her own grandchildren! Adoption and its aftermath has negatively-affected entire family systems — but you, Lola, want to sing adoption’s praises!

Adoption, in its present form, has been and is, a destructive social and legal device that splits up families.

Lola, are you under 36? If so, I have lived more trauma since 1974 than you have as a non-adopted person. You sound like a young kid who does not know beans about adoption reform. Keep reading. Visit other adoption reform blogs. See the kinks on the side bars. These links will lead you to other links in adoption reform. Better yet, show up to our Conferences and really learn what it is like to be adopted and to lose your child to adoption:

American Adoption Congress

Adoption Crossroads:  Adoption Healing, Baby Scoop Era Research Initiative, Origins Inc. Australia, Origins Canada are proud to announce: Shedding Light on the Adoption Experience VI an Educational Conference About Realities: The Lifelong Effects of Adoption and the Need for Family Preservation.

Lola, you are living in a fantasy world. You need to wake up and smell the coffee. It is people like you who make me sick.

Happy Adoption Day 53 Years Ago Today

Happy Adoption Day, my eyeball. The only ones happy were my adoptive parents.

Fifty three years ago, today, at age 1 year, I lost my legal right to be a part of the family I was born into. I lost my legal right to have the birth certificate that documents my birth. I won the legal right to own a birth certificate that says I was born to a woman who factually adopted me: that is misrepresentation of material facts, which is fraud.

Fifty three years ago, today, my dead mother lost her right to be my legal mother. Bad enough she faced dying knowing that she’d leave behind five children, one of whom was a newborn, but she did not know that adoption would not  only take away that newborn, but adoption would prevent her from forever being named on her child’s legal birth certificate.

Fifty three years ago, today, my father walked away from Surrogate’s Court in Erie County Hall, Buffalo, New York, a defeated man. He did what was told to him. He gave away his newborn because a Catholic priest said these words to him at his wife’s funeral ten months previously: “The baby needs two parents.” On top of that, a woman whom he did not know came up to him at his wife’s funeral and said, “I know a couple who will take your baby.”

And to this day, there are members of my dead mother’s family who believe that my father “didn’t want” me.

My father gave me up because he believed I would have a better life with two parents. At the time he relinquished me, he was a single father of five children. There was no help to keep his family together, only vultures swarming to descend and take away the children. “I’ll take the boy”, said one brother of my dead mother. But my father said no. My mother’s brothers got mad at him. My father was an only child. He had his sickly aging parents to help him. His own cousins had children of their own and did not help him keep his family together. Relinquishing me, letting me go, was his only option to save the rest of his family, and himself.

To expect a man in deep, profound grief to make life-altering decisions for his child and himself at a point of personal crisis is cruel. If he had been told the truth: that his dead wife’s family would hold this against him for eternity, that they would spread filthy rumors about him, that the adoptive family into which he relinquished his child would continue ongoing relationships with select members of his dead wife’s family and continue the gossipy rumors, all the while HE was told to stay away, he would never had agreed to relinquish his child to such an adoption. If my father were told that relinquishing his daughter to this permanent adoption would result in the utter destruction of his daughter’s personal papers, personal identity, emotional and psychological well-being, and that adoption would destroy her birth certificate, he would never have agreed to relinquishment and the adoption of his child. My father does not understand the true depth of destruction that adoption has caused me: he does not want to know because the pain is too deep.

That pain is what the adoptee experiences. That pain is not worth the benefits of Happy Adoption Day.

I am a defeated person, a shell of what I could have been. To live my life each day knowing that the very people who professed their love for me, who devoted their lives to me as my adoptive parents, loved me so much that they willfully and knowingly kept me apart from my own father and my own sisters and brother, kept me apart from my own cousins and from even knowing where my dead mother was buried, just so that they could have the luxury of raising a child “of their own”, knowing that my adoptive parents told so many lies to me for the first 18 years of my life, to know all of this was done “for my benefit” makes me so sick I want to vomit.

My adoption wasn’t love. It was possession.

I am supposed to feel grateful. I am supposed to feel happy that I wasn’t raised with my father and my siblings because “what kind of life would you have had with them?” This is the indoctrination said to me, the adoptee, by my adoptive parents and believed by extended adoptive family and the general public’s accumlated “knowledge” of adoption.

The adoptive cousins with whom I have had meaningful relationships in childhood have been what I cling to. Though we are not blood, we know each other as cousins. There are blood cousins with whom  I share closeness also.

But there is also this pervasive undertow of deception, rumor and gossip. What was it that my adoptive mother said to me just a few weeks ago as she lay in her nursing room bed? “Oh, by the way, there are people who believe that you had affairs with two of your adoptive cousins.” What? Who the hell is spreading this filth around? Again? Still? Many people in my extended adoptive family and natural mother’s family, that’s who. They are the ones who are sick. Manipulative. I want no part of perverted minds. I am tired of being the brunt of their jokes.

While Jaycee Duggard has had the unfortunate experience of having been raped repeatedly by her abductor, having two children by him, she is not alone in her captivity. How can I possibly cope with the misinformation and gossip that is said for decades among family members because they “think” or “believe” something is true?

I was raised in a beautiful middle class home in the suburbs of Buffalo, an only child, with all the attention my adoptive parents could give me. It was conditional love: I was never supposed to know my own siblings and certainly not my own father and I should never know about the truth of how my mother died. My happy childhood memories come with a price: no childhood with my own siblings. Yet my adoptive parents had theirs. I loved my parents. I loved my extended adoptive family. Only to find out at age 18 that my life was one lie built upon another. After my Reunion, a shock that sent me into oblivion for years, I was expected to bounce back, to recover, to build my life as an adult as if this shock did not “bother” me. I was accused of “living in the past” and “being obsessed with adoption” and “pulling that stunt” and “knowing my siblings all along”. The ones who “pulled that stunt” were my adoptive parents and extended adoptive family. The ones who were mad that I “was living in the past” had the luxury of knowing their own personal histories while growing up. The ones who accused me of “knowing my siblings all along” were guilty of preventing me from knowing my own flesh and blood: my adoptive parents and all who backed them in their secrecy and deception.

What is it that the psychologists say that Jaycee Dugard must undo? Is it called “Stockholm Syndrome”? Perhaps other adoptees have not had a life so entrenched with turmoil as I have had, but other adoptees sure do have sealed and falsified birth certificates. Many adoptees and adoptive parents will be screaming: “What? She can’t be comparing adoption to what Jaycee Dugard experienced!”

Oh, yes, I can.

I was held prisoner in my sheltered home for 18 years in an idyllic life away from the “crappy” life my siblings lived on the opposite side of the city. (again, indoctination from my adoptive parents against my own family of birth). I should feel grateful I didn’t live with them because they had rags for clothes, or so I was told by my adoptive mother after I was found by siblings she so intensely did not want to me ever know.  Who gets to torture an adoptee like that? I feel very much that Stockholm Syndrome fits my life, too. I was abducted from my own family by adoptive parents who selfishly kept me to themselves, knowingly and willfully depriving me of relationships with my own siblings. That is nothing less than child abuse. Beyond the mixed feelings of love for adoptive parents who “took care of me”, there are a myriad of conflicts I must cope with on a daily basis: the circulating rumors of sexual misconduct, feelings of being tricked by so many people whom I am supposed to love, feelings of wondering what other misconceptions people built up around me because they knew my blood family and I did not, feelings of shame and guilt because other relatives do not approve of my life.

There was a definite rift in my life when I was found by siblings I never knew. Certain members of my adoptive family sank away from me as if I were a leper. I am one person, people. If I am as bad as my relatives say I am, then I surely do deserve the hate mail and the obscene phone calls that have permeated my life since 1974 because I dared to accept a reunion with my father and my siblings. Form my point of view, this is gang-mentality against one adoptee.

Check out the Page on this blog “My Archives” to see the “dreadful” adoption reform newspaper articles I wrote. These articles are my way of defending the rights of adoptees, the rights of the donor-conceived, and the rights of our natural parents. I stuck up for Mary Beth Whitehead, the infamous surrogate mother, and her daughter. I got hell for that from my family members, people who are not in my direct social circle. I wrote against sperm donation. I got hell for that, too, again from family members who did not approve of my public statements against procedures that harm the chidlren created by these means. The general public’s stupidity is to be expected, but to be mistreated by my own families in the form of hate mail and hate phone calls and whispers behind my back and dirty looks and snide comments — all from my own families because I did what was right for me. This is the life of an adoptee well hated for being who she is: an adoptee advocating for humane change in the restrictive, discriminatory and de-humanizing adoption practices in America.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: for all the hate and disrespect I have been given because I was born to a woman who died and then relinquished to adoption, was found by siblings I never knew and was hated for that, endured criticism because I was slow to recover or did not do what other people wanted me to do: get over being adopted, I would have rather been born a bastard. Bastards get more respect than this adopted half orphan has ever received.

Happy Adoption Day — Fifty-three years of hell.

Are you catching the drift as to why I am anti-adoption?

Birthday Vandalism, President Millard Fillmore, and Adoptees

I just got back from a very unusual birthday celebration at Forest Lawn Cemetery in Buffalo, New York: US President Millard Fillmore was born this day 210 years ago. I attended a memorial service at his gravesite to honor him.

There was a wreath presented by the current US President’s Representative, and other government officials, as well as dignitaries from educational institutions that owe their beginnings to Millard Fillmore. Since Millard Fillmore was a Unitarian, the minister of the Buffalo Unitarian Universalist Church gives the invocation prayer. Today’s service was not as cold as in other years. There was no bitter wind or snow falling. TAPS was played by a lone trumpeter and a military flag guard opened and closed the ceremony.

The first year I attended was 21 years ago. I brought my toddler daughter. A TV camera took her picture as she played in the snow. Then, the TV reporter asked the guests why they were there. The usual important people gave their usual official comments on this President’s contributions to end slavery and start hospitals and the University of Buffalo just 13 years after the British burned the village of Buffalo to the ground in 1813. In 1989, I was trying to duck the reporter, but he caught me and asked me why I was there. I said, “I share Millard Fillmore’s birthday and I was born in the hospital named after him. I am also a member of the church he belonged to. I came here to honor a man who became the 13th President of the United States”. The reporter thanked me.

I went home and watched the News at dinner time. Less than 5 minutes later, the phone rang.

“Hello, Joan. You pig! What the hell are you doing, talking to a News Reporter and plastering your face on TV?! You are an ego-maniac and have no business showing off!”

That call came in from an adoptive cousin. She and her sisters and their mother have hated me for “OPENLY declaring you have two fathers” since 1974.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me want to die. Because THEY out number me, they have the power. I am alone. Can I not celebrate my birthday in the way I choose? Who are THEY to judge me? What harm have I done to THEM? THEY do not approve of my reunion with my father — a man THEY have never met — a man THEY hate because, according to THEM, he gave me away so he does not qualify to be honored by me as my father. BUT HE IS MY FATHER. Without him, I would not be alive.

So much for family values – so much for adoptive family values. The adoptee only has value if she honors and obeys the adoptive family’s rules and ignores from whence she came.

My MOTHER gave birth to me today 54 years ago in Millard Fillmore Hospital in Buffalo, New York. Her name, and that of my FATHER, is on my hospital records, my hospital birth certificate, and my true birth certificate. But the State of New York seized that birth certificate in January of 1957 and by March of 1957, the State of New York BASTARDIZED my legitimate birth by issuing a falsified, certified as true, Certificate of Live Birth with a raised State seal and a stamped signature of a City of Buffalo Registrar of Vital Statistics. This fraudulent piece of paper is my legal birth certificate. It desecrates the honor of the woman who gave her life so that I may live.

Thank you, New York State, for dis-honoring my birthday.

I will fight till my dying breathe to avenge the violation of my MOTHER’s honor as the woman who nurtured me in her body and then died so that I may live. I will fight to my dying breath to win back my birthright and re-build after the destruction by State-sanctioned vandalism of my true birth certificate — the official documentation of my actual birth.

HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER, so says a Catholic Commandment.

Where is the honor befitting my father and mother of conception and birth?

A Catholic nun in my Junior High School used to say, “Look ashamed!” when she caught some unruly student misbehaving.

I say to all who violate adoptees’ sacred bonds of birth: Shame on all of you who mock adoptees and our natural parents!

Thanks for a wonderful life, you lousy relatives. I am ashamed to have been adopted into YOUR clan. Family values, indeed. The values you proliferate certainly are not Christian values of love. Only a few of you are worthy of my love.

I take away valuable lessons from President Millard Fillmore. He had the tenacity, strength and the personal integrity to stand for honor and justice, to stave off the American Civil War for a few more years, and to stand up to end slavery.

There is a quiet civil war going on right now: the US and State governments are imprisoning all adoptees by seizing our birthrights and birth certificates by forcing us to live lies every time we are forced to present fraudulent birth certificates as the real documentation of our births. Stop the vandalsim of adoptees’ true birth certifcates.

Poll Started by Mara – Should Kids Given Up for Adoption Have Their Rights Defended in Court?

WOW! Best Birthday Present EVER! Thanks, Mara!

First, take the poll:

Should Kids Given Up For Adoption Have Their Rights Defended in Court? (CASA)

Then, leave a comment.

I was the first to do so on my BIRTHDAY, thanks to Mara!

Here’s my answer: YES!!!

And my Comments, spelling mistakes and all:

If my rights had been defended in court by an independant attorney who was looking out for my true “best interest of the child”, my adoption might have been handled diffeerently. One solution to my pre-adoptive parents’ petition to adopt me could have been to totally negate their petition on the grounds that it would be illegal and immoral to remove an infant from an existing sibling group and change her name and her identity to conform to what the adoptive parents want for “their” adopted child. Another solution could have been was to modify the petition to adopt by restricting the pre-adoptive parents to Legal Guardians. That would have kept my legal and my birth name one and the same (thereby preserving my Birth Certificate), and at the same time, given my Guardians the joy of raising a child with the knowledge of and visitation with that child’s one remaining parent (mother died) and visitation with her older siblings. The third option — which is what actually happened — to sever the ties completely with the father and siblings of the adoptee and raise the child 100% as the “only child” of the adopting parents which completely cut off my ties to my natural father, wiped out my chance for a timely and appropriate grieving of my MOTHER’s death, and wiped out any relationship that could have developed with my full blood siblings. It is a crime what happened to me! NO CHILD SHOULD BE PERMENTENTLY SEPARATED BY ADOPTION. This is cruel and is child abuse!!!! I blame the adoptive parents and the adotpive family for lying, manipulating the system and lying to the relinquishing natural father who was vulnerable at age 31 because he was grieiving the loss of his 30 year old wife who was the mother of five children.

Oh, yes, another solution would have been to compelety restore my father AS my father, restore my siblings AS my siblings, negate 100% the Petition to Adopt by my pre-adotpive parents and provide emotional and financial support for this FAMILY to stay together.

Still another solution would have been to give me back to my father, but, since my pre-adoptive parents had taken care of me for 10 months prior to the Final Court Date securing my closed and sealed adoption, that would have been cruel to them. This last option would have validated those legal guardians’ rights to have contact with the child they had grown to love.

These situations happen all the time. Played out quite well in extended family within my adoptive family: my adoptive parents took care of a number of sinling groups who did not have a father (he ran off). But, my adoptive parents (years before I was born and adopted) had respect for the remaining parent, knew their own boundaries and limitations as Parent Figures, and loved the children anyway.

Love is best when it is honest and respectful. Closed and sealed adoption destroys family relationships for generations.

Children who are Relinquised for adoption and who are being Petioned to be be Adopted, SHOULD have legal cousel to prertect their best interests.

Had my legal rights been protected from the very beginning, I would have had a happier life.

Thank you for the opportunity to speak.

Joan M Wheeler of http://forbiddenfamily.com .

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Now, all you good little adoptees, go raise some hell on this fabulous poll started by MARA!!!!

Yes They are Using BirthMothers to Keep Adoptees’ Birth Records Sealed

Lori A at her blog, DNA Diaries, has an excellent post about how slowly she realized the issues surrounding adoptees’ fight to obtain a certified copy of their own true birth certificates.

In her post, Slowly Coming Around to a New Way of Thinking (Dec 16, 2009), Lori states “U.S. courts have ruled that there are no such things as ‘adoptee rights’. No rights exist in law or can be upheld in court. Let that soak in for a minute. No matter how old you get as an adoptee, there are still certain rights that do not and will not pertain to you, because of a decision that was made for you. You are disallowed certain rights that pertain to the non adopted, but there are no other rights that pertain to you under the law.”

And then, Lori states, “Then it slowly, over days, begins to sink in. When adoption started it was to hide the sins of an unwed mother and the embarrassment of infertile couples. As time goes on, it becomes more about privacy for the parents raising the adopted child. Now, it’s about my right to privacy as a damaged first parent. … Now I get it. They are using ME, my status to promote ‘their’ agenda.”

Yes, that’s right. Lori. They, The NCFA, and the ACLU, and the Catholic agenda, are all working against us to protect the rights of the unwed mother to remain in hiding. That not only is an inaccurate assessment of single mothers who lost their newborns to adoption, but it is a gross injustice to all adoptees. For we are punished for the “sins” of our parents, yet, many of us were born to married parents! I was. And then my mother died, making me a half orphan. A half orphan has rights. But then I was adopted and adoption overrode my first birth rights.

This cycle needs to stop.

Thank you, Lori, for your post.

Re-Post of Last Year’s Commemoration: Commentary on article “Anti-Adoption Advocates: How Should We Respond?”

This is a re-posting of a post from my former blog.

November 14, 2008

November is National Adoption Awareness month.

To commemorate this month-long awareness campaign, I wrote the following in response to the article by Heidi Hess Saxton, “Anti-Adoption Advocates: How Should We Respond?” Her article appears in an online publication called The Catholic Exchange:
http://catholicexchange.com/2008/11/11/114414/. Seventeen comments by her followers and adoption reformers are included at that site.

 

Dear Heidi Hess Saxton:

Where are you getting your information? Are you making this up? Do you have personal or professional experience to speak with authority, or are you basing your article on value judgments? Please, learn about adoption before you preach.

Pardon me, I see that you have adopted two children in 2002. That gives you a wealth of experience to draw upon. Honey, your journey is just beginning. Live life a little before you judge others. Remember the Golden Rule. You’ve got a lot to learn.

I am 52 years old. I am not “an adult adopted child”. I am an adoptee. Don’t patronize me as an “adult adoptee” either. Do you hear anyone else in society preface the description of others or themselves as “adult social worker” or “adult doctor” or “adult teacher”? No, of course not. I am a woman who was adopted as an infant. But because of backward thinking, I am called every name and label people want to assign to me. I am a normal person.

I was orphaned by the death of my mother — that’s MOTHER, not “birth” or “first” mother, but MOTHER, as in mother, the one who conceived and gave birth to me, who would have raised me had she not died. But because I was adopted as an infant, the definition of mother gets split. The legal term is “natural mother” and “natural father”. Says so in my adoption papers. Go look it up in any law library.

How dare you ridicule all adoptees and our parents! We are not “the enemy”. If we are your enemies, why do you want to adopt “the enemy”?

When I was 18 years old, and an “only child” in my adoptive home, I was found by a sister I never knew. That was in 1974 — nearly 35 years ago. I speak from personal experience as well as professional. I have been advocating for adoptees’ rights since I was 19. I earned my 2nd Bachelor’s in Social Work 9 years ago.

My loving adoptive parents did not ever want me to know the truth: they lied to me for the first 18 years of my life. It was their responsibility to tell the truth, but they wanted me all to themselves. It was the lie, and their fierce determination to keep me from the truth that made me turn anti-adoption. At the moment I received that phone call, I realized that the love and trust I had with the parents who raised me was gone. They held information about me to themselves, selfishly. There was nothing altruistic, saintly, or even remotely “Christian” about those first 18 years of my life. I also knew that I had to make a decision. I was 18 years old, not out of high school yet, facing a life-trauma that took my life as I knew it, and destroyed it. My parents lied, betrayed me, yet, here on the phone was a woman who said she was my sister. I decided, without having influence from any media or professional (because none existed in 1974) that I have two sets of real parents. Both sets of parents made me who I am. I have never deviated from that logical reality.

Mom was married to Dad for 10 years. They had four older children. Mom’s death made the 5 of us half-orphans. A Catholic Priest told Dad that the baby needs two parents. There was no caring help for the family to stay together, no Christian love, no bags of clothes, no money to help pay for a funeral or burial plot, no financial aid to help pay rent, no caring nuns or priests or missionaries to help with child care. There was no one to come over to help these children cope with the loss of their mother and their newborn sister. No one helped my father in any way. Except the advice from a Catholic Priest to give up the baby to adoption. The reality is that my family suffered tremendous loss. I hear no compassion from so-called Christians.

I do hear the venom with which you address pregnant teens and their babies. In your arguments, you believe that all adoptees come from horrible pregnant mothers who lead such horrible, destructive lives. Where is your compassion for these mothers? Do you know what its like to have your baby torn from you after you gave birth? It is a horrible experience! I have not lived that myself, but I have known mothers-of-adoption-loss for over three decades. I empathize with them, as a woman, and as a mother myself.

I was born in January 1956. I was issued a birth certificate. I was baptized, twice. Once at birth by a nurse because I was near death. After I recovered, I was baptized in a real religious Catholic ceremony at my dying mother’s bedside, one week before she died in March 1956. At my mother’s funeral, people were buzzing about the baby. Who will take care of her? In April, following the advice of a Catholic priest, my father relinquished me to the care of a couple who were to become my adoptive parents. My adoption became finalized one year and one week after by birth. These pre-adoptive parents called me Joan, but my legal and religious name was Doris.

Do you know that an infant hears inside the mother’s uterus? It’s true. I heard my siblings playing, talking to me before I was born. I heard my mother’s voice. I heard my father’s voice. I felt a shocking, empty void, after my premature birth as I lay in an incubator for 6 weeks. I suffered the trauma of losing my mother because of my isolation in that incubator. I was too young to know what happened, but my tiny body knew something was wrong. I did not hear the familiar voices of my siblings, nor my father, nor my mother. I was alone for a very long time.

Then, I heard my new name of Joan. My pre-adoptive parents called me Joan for 10 months before my adoption was finalized.

The seeds for life-long psychological trauma were set for me pre-birth. The damage was compounded by adoption separation.

It is my opinion that you need to study the dynamics of pregnancy and birth, and separation trauma experienced by all adoptees.

My father was not given any paper to sign that guaranteed him to any privacy or confidentiality. Nor was he verbally promised confidentiality. He was not hiding in fear that I’d track him down. No, he never wanted to give me up in the first place. The judge told him that he could look for me when I turned 18. Yes, that’s right. Even my adoption papers say that after 18 years, my father could contact me. When I reach the age of majority, I would become an autonomous being, free from the legal binds of adoptive parental control over me. My father loved me. He anticipated my birth. I was his youngest child.

I lived 5 miles away from my natural family. My Catholic adoptive family, with all the extended family, knew the truth. They even knew my natural mother’s extended family. Photos were traded back and forth. Stories of “Joanie’s phases” were traded from adoptive relatives to natural blood kin. I, and my siblings, and our father, were kept out of this spy ring. While my father thought he relinquished me to a private, legal transaction between he and my new parents, he did not know that there would be contact between his deceased wife’s family and my adoptive family. He was purposely kept out of the communication. He was told to stay away, to not interfere, and he did not interfere. All of the other relatives interfered.

In divorce, and re-marriage of parents, there is no sealed birth certificate. The child is shared by two parents and their respective new spouses. Blended families are made adding half siblings, enriching lives by diversity and continuity. But in adoption, a hard break is made. For no clear reason. No one owns their children. We are innocent children whose lives are manipulated and mangled by others who are supposed to looking out for our well-being. Children are victims of sealed, closed adoption. Adoption in America is a severe trauma to children. Adoption in America also is a trauma to adoptees later in life as we are forbidden, by law forever, to know from whence we came.

Three years after my birth and baptism, my adoptive parents asked the Catholic Church to issue a baptismal certificate in my adoptive name so that I may go to Catholic Schools. That’s right. The Catholic Church lied! A priest took the date out of the Church book in which my baptism was recorded. He wrote in my new adoptive name, and the names of my adoptive parents, but, because the godparents were ever-important, he named them on my new, amended, fake and phony and fraudulent baptismal certificate! My godparents were related to my deceased mother! OH NO! The identities of my real, factual, godparents were named on the fraudulent baptismal certificate! Joan Wheeler was not baptized. Doris Sippel was baptized.

For the Catholics out there, no, for the non-Catholics who do not know, listen up. When a Catholic child grows up and partakes of religious rites of passage, it is with the name at baptism—the name that God recognizes—that a child receives Holy Communion, receives Confirmation, takes vows as a nun or a priest, or takes vows in matrimony.

Do you understand what I just wrote? How many violations to my personhood is the Catholic Church going to inflict upon me? And other adoptees?

My birth certificate (notice I said “birth certificate” and not “original birth certificate”) was sealed and a new, fake, phony, fraudulent birth certificate was issued in its place. The parents named on this “birth certificate” did not make love to create me. The mother named on this “birth certificate” did not give birth to me. Yet, the document clearly states that this mother gave birth to me on my birth date, at the hospital in which I was actually and factually born, and that I was a single birth, and the time of my birth was indicated. This document is not my birth certificate at all! It is a government-perpetrated fraud!

My adoptive mother and father were infertile. Does it not strike anyone out there that pretending to give birth is a psychological denial of facts? When the Registrar of Vital Statistics issues a fake birth certificate, adopting parents believe the lies. They can live in their happy dream world because the law created falsified birth certificates: adopting parents are following the law, so they believe a falsehood.

To be absolutely true, an adoption certificate should be issued upon the legal finalization of adoption. An adoption certificate would state the facts of the adoption. The birth certificate states the facts of birth. Both documents should remain open to the person named on it: the person born and the person adopted.

Any minor child who is not adopted has the legal right to ask for a copy of her birth certificate. It is the obligation of the parents to show the document to the child and to give the document to the child at the age of majority. Up until the age of majority, the parents are legally responsible for minor children; a child cannot apply for school attendance, parents do that. In a healthy parent-child relationship, the child is told the facts of birth.

Americans think that adoption means the legal possession of a child. In the Netherlands, a progressive society, adoptive parents know their place. They are respectful of the adoptee’s natural parents; they have the legal responsibility to tell the child the truth. The minor child has the legal right to ask for the birth certificate and adoption certificate. The adoptive parents are issued an adoption certificate for the minor child. Dutch adoptive parents know that they are not the only parents. There are no sealed nor amended records in Holland. Openness gives freedom of communication in a loving, respectful adoptive home.

Just so you understand, as a social worker, I’ve worked with homeless people. I’ve worked with many women who have had abortions, and they were all in financial straights, unable afford a child. Many women were married and had other children. Some women are too old to carry a pregnancy that would result in maternal harm, and the fetus has defects because of the age of the egg at fertilization. Some women are taking medicines for existing health issues of their own and an unplanned pregnancy happens. Prescriptions often interfere with the developing baby, rendering the baby a deformed mass of fused or missing bones with no brain or missing internal organs. Some women were beat up by their boyfriends or fathers and had no other option. Only a pregnant woman and her doctor can make an informed decision about what to do with an unplanned (not unwanted) pregnancy. Many women chose abortion rather than adoption because they could not see going through a pregnancy to lose a baby to an uncertain future with strangers; punishment upon punishment. The finality of death was a better choice than to send their baby to strangers and know that they would never see that baby again. A person can grieve a death, but the agony of losing a child to adoption is a loss women never recovery from. Closed adoption and closed records are very damaging. Open adoption is not enforceable; the records are still sealed and falsified.

Why is it that Catholics preach love, but treat adoptees as villains? Why do you see us as the enemy? If we are your enemy, then please, don’t adopt! Stay away! We don’t want adoptive parents such as you! You treat our natural parents and our siblings as villains also. We come from these people so don’t make them out to be evil! If they are evil, then so are we! And if we are evil, we should not be adopted! You wouldn’t want us if we that bad! And then, to top it off, you demand that adoptees should be forever banned from the truth of our births? How cruel! You do not speak of loving kindness, decency or respect or honor. You are spewing hate and prejudice with every word written by Heidi Hess Saxton!

And yes, the rights of the adoptee trump the rights of either set of parents. Why? Because an adoptee was a minor child when the adoption took place. No other autonomous adult must ask permission of any parent to do anything. No adult should be held as prisoner by either adoptive parents or natural parents. You do not play god over adoptees! According to you, you think you have the right to own adoptees. That’s slavery. Discrimination—Violation of our civil and human rights! The United Nations in UNICEF has a global mandate: to register the BIRTH of all children in the world.

When my adoptive father died of brain cancer in 1982—8 years after my reunion began—my adoptive cousin got out of her car and came up to me as I was preparing to see my father in the casket at the funeral home. She said, “You OPENLY declare that you have another father, so that means you do not love this dead father. You do not belong here.” This cousin, whom I played with as a child, treated me with such hateful disdain! She certainly is not a good, Christian woman!

Notice that she said OPENLY as loud and as disgusted as she could! Why, she made it seem as though I was OPENLY having sex with the funeral director!

Here is another lovely Catholic bit for you: Bastards are forbidden into heaven! Yes, it’s true! It’s even in the bible! We all know, if it’s in the Bible, it must be true! Deuteronomy 23:2—“No bastard shall enter the assembly of the Lord; even to the tenth generation none of his descendants shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”

How’s that for loving kindness?! Now, think about what it is you want! You want unwed mothers to give up their illegitimate bastard kids so they can be free from the stain of the curse of their birth, yet, the Bible says bastards won’t get to heaven. You want these bastards to grow up ever grateful for the blessings of being cared for by people who feel that the very people who conceived and gave birth to us, are evil in some way. You want to prevent us from contact with our own blood kin! Is this family values? Is this done in love? I don’t think so.

How many of you have the hobby of genealogy? Feel Proud? Well, don’t prevent adoptees from tracing their family trees for the sheer joy and curiosity of it. You enjoy it, so can adoptees. Butt out of our lives. When we are adults, we are not subject to the constraints of parents. We ought to have ongoing visitation with our blood kin during childhood and into adulthood. That’s what happens in divorce, so why treat adoptees and our blood kin any differently?

Is Sarah Palin’s 17 year old daughter pregnant? Yes! Why isn’t anyone coercing this pregnant teen to give up her baby to adoption? Isn’t there a needy couple out there who would benefit from being blessed with the ‘gift of life’, the ‘bad seed’, the ‘illegitimate bastard’ from such a prestigious, ‘good quality family stock’? The child’s birth certificate will be amended, the original birth certificate will be sealed, and no one else would ever know! Oh, and, best of all, that baby will never know that his grandmother was a Vice Presidential candidate as the Governor of Alaska! Why would the adopted bastard child want to know that anyway? He’s now adopted and has a whole new set of parents and extended family and family history! Adoption wipes away his need to know anything about his blood kin!

Did you know that John Lennon lost his older sister to adoption? How would YOU feel if you were adopted and found out now, in 2008, that your younger brother was John Lennon? He was shot to death 28 years ago, but, hey, you are adopted and you don’t need to know anything about your blood kin!

I am proudly anti-adoption. I am proudly anti-Catholic, too. I openly declare that I have two real sets of parents — that is the bare truth of all adoption.

The next debate will be “embryo adoptions”! There is no legal adoption; embryo adoptions are actually swapped. Because the recipient mother of a frozen embryo gives birth, she is named on the birth certificate, but she is not the only mother. Nor is her husband the only father. How many Catholics out there donate their sperm? Eggs? How many Catholics depend on the prostituted services of sperm and egg donors to make their children? What lies are you telling your children?

For GOD’s sake, people! Get an education! No, sorry, correction: for ADOPTEES’ sake, and our natural parents’ sake, GET AN EDUCATION!

Ignorance is at the root of all prejudice.

Joan Wheeler, BSW
born and baptized as Doris Sippel

This is the article to which the above responds to —

“Anti-Adoption Advocates: How Should We Respond?”
by Heidi Hess Saxton, printed online in The Catholic Exchange:
http://catholicexchange.com/2008/11/11/114414/

November 11th, 2008

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Comments From Last Year:

Submitted on 2008/12/05 at 7:12pm by Lisa Kay, Fla

I stumbled onto your blog via a link on the 73adoptee blog. Wow! You hit the nail on the head on so many points that I won’t even try to comment on the ones that ring especially true to my own opinions and experiences, or are otherwise noteworthy.I’m laughing as I ponder whether you should be an attorney, a media pundit, or a politician. Regardless, I’m glad that I’m on your side of the argument.Hope you won’t mind if I recommend your blog in a post on Adoption Database’s message board about blogs the members should check out. [If you don’t want me to, please contact me.]A new fan,Lisa KayFL Adoptee Searchingb. Jan 2x, 1963Gainesville, Florida

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2008/11/18 at 4:04pm  janet blue

Thank you for speaking the truth about adoption. I wonder if my adopted children will feel the same when they are allowed to come and find me. They are not allowed to write to me at the moment but I keep looking for them. Janet UK

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2008/11/16 at 8:45am  mommaL3

THANK YOU! Your article was painful at times to read ,but oh so refreshingly honest and if there is one thing this reunited Mother of adoption loss insists on is honesty no matter how painful .I had enough lies ,when in my youth ,I was made to believe I had nothing that my daughter needed and the love for my daughter was used against both of us. Ms.Hess is no different than the other profiteers that have their own agendas for separating infants from their Mothers .Again they are trying to use us to keep business as usual. BTW,I never was promised confidentiality nor did I ask for it. I didn’t need protection from my own child.The real question should be “what do they need protection from? I see they also are not above trying to use God to continue this evil industry.. If anything many churches should apologize for what they did to us instead of justifying their actions and trying to make the victims the ones at fault. But than that is what abusers do, isn’t it? My God ,have they no shame???That was a rhetorical question. Thanks again Joan and I am sorry for your losses caused by adoption. Linda Webber

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2008/11/15 at 10:55am  Sandy Young

Doris, Send a copy of your piece to her. I did. She needs to hear this stuff from various sources. She needs to know that mothers and their children are hurt by these unnecessary separations. If you haven’t yet read them, her comments on The Daily Bastardette, Adoption and its Triad, and my own,Musing-Mother are worth reading. Her head is clearly spinning on her shoulders about now, and her veneer is slipping! Thank you for your very impassioned and lucid comments. I hope she gets a chance to read them. heidi.hess.saxton@gmail.com

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2008/11/14 at 9:20pm  jimm

Excellent post. Like Pennegal, I doubt they will print your comment; they wouldn’t print mine. Truth and the Catholic Church don’t go hand-in-hand.

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2008/11/14 at 7:42pm  triona

Joan, thank you for speaking out against this load of drivel. I bet they won’t post it, either, but at least by posting it on your own blog you will be heard.

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2008/11/14 at 7:34pm  Web2.0PRDude

You might want to cross-reference this article with the reference material by John Syrtash, a Toronto based Family and Divorce Lawyer http://www.freemychild.com/fl_articles.html

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2008/11/14 at 6:41pm  Pennagal

Excellent commentary, Joan. I seriously doubt they will allow this to appear on the website because it countradicts the rosy picture they have of adoption as the cure for all ill. But it needed to be said and, I hope, that Ms. Saxton will read it.