Well written, Gazelledz. I wish you had included the link to the post you were referring to as I’d like to pay a visit over there. The website seems to focus on pregnancy. Yes, I know adoptive parent wanna-bees hang out at places where pregnancy is the topic because, well, they covet what they can’t have naturally. That means, of course, that no matter how much any adopter loves their adopted child, they cannot replace what nature created.
Re: TOBEPREGNANT.NET post
Unless you share DNA/cMs, ancestors, extended family, etc. with a child your are NOT that child’s mother. NO judge, state, or country can change inmutable natural laws, and only in the west is ‘adoption’ considered , wrongfully, to be acceptable.
Paying any fee for a child is illegal and bribery is worse. We are NOT for sale, nor are we here for your convenience. We are also not responsible for the choices-good or bad-that you have made, make, or will make in your life time. We were not born to replace what you do not have. We were born to those preselected to be our parents, no matter how or when we were conceived or how we are separated from them. They remain our parents and we their children.
The ‘legal’ conscription of a child through adoption is odious and a crime against nature and humanity as…
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3 thoughts on “In Response to a perspective adopter”
Clearly you only feel biological connections are familial
That is correct! And that is because we are biological creatures spanning billions of years on this planet. Biology is life itself.
Only in legal adoption is the adoptee expected to be grafted on someone else’s family tree, to pretend that they were born to these strangers, to pretend that they must love ONLY the adopters. That perspective is not only false, it is restrictive, unrealistic, biased, and illogical.
If a child is raised by extended family, that child knows who mother and father are and knows her place within the larger family structure. If a child is raised by foster parents, that child knows that the foster parents are care-giving substitutes for his parents who reside someplace else and he may have visitation rights with siblings who may live elsewhere. If a child is raised by legal guardians, that child knows that her parents and siblings reside someplace else. If a child is adopted, all links to her mother and father are severed in favor of the adopters who are legally assigned the title of legal parents. Such a child may love the adopters, but may also have the desire to know the missing parents and thus, know herself.
Adoptees, usually, do love their adopters and see them as Mom and Dad. Usually, but not always. Should an adoptee love a pedophile adoptive father who rapes her every night for 12 years? Such an adoptive father may be LEGALLY that adoptee’s father, but he is not behaving in a fatherly manner and does not deserve to be loved like a father.
Six months ago, my adoptive cousin died. We were very close. I loved him like a cousin because that is the way we were raised, not because he had been legally assigned to me as a cousin. It didn’t matter that I had been reunited with my biological kin, what mattered to us is that we had a cousinship based on a lifetime together. He was not threatened because I had a reunion with my biological kin. He was secure in himself knowing that we were emotionally connected.
Explaining adoption and it’s complexities to an outsider is rather difficult. That is why psychologists have written books on the psychology of adoption.
When my doctors ask me for my family medical history, they are looking for biologically related conditions: What did my mother die from? What did my father die from? What medical conditions are passed down from generation to generation or what skipped a generation? Is heart disease “in my family”? Is colon cancer “in my family”?
Doctors are not looking for how I FEEL close to any adoptive relative, be it my cousins or parents, by adoption, they NEED to know about biological tendencies to treat my medical conditions. How I FEEL about any family member, biological or adoptive, has nothing to do with the facts of life itself. What type of cancer that killed my adoptive mother does not mean one damn thing in terms of my inheritability of cancer.
And no, this is NOT just medical history. It is life, and death, and everything in between. Genetics shapes who we are. And so does environment. Nature vs nurture – for adoptees, as we live life, it is both because we are forced into this hell-hole of split selves.
Interestingly, while I wrote my answer to your comment and posted it, an article appeared in my online feed. I suggest to you, gsmwc02, that you have a look at it: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/sep/29/so-is-it-nature-not-nurture-after-all-genetics-robert-plomin-polygenic-testing
“So is it nature not nurture after all?
In a new book likely to rekindle fierce controversy, psychologist Robert Plomin argues that genes largely shape our personalities and that the latest science is too compelling to ignore”
In his opening paragraph, author Andrew Anthony states,
“There are few areas of science more fiercely contested than the issue of what makes us who we are. Are we products of our environments or the embodiment of our genes? Is nature the governing force behind our behaviour or is it nurture? While almost everyone agrees that it’s a mixture of both, there has been no end of disagreement about which is the dominant influence.”
And that’s just the beginning. …
Typical of any article or book on genetics and environment, the topic of adoption isn’t even mentioned. It is as if adoption – the permanent separation of a child from its parents and covering up this separation by revoking, sealing and replacing the adoptee’s birth certificate in an attempt to create a new identity – isn’t even given a thought. This is because most people are raised by the parents who sired them and gestated them and birthed them.
For non-adopted “normal” people, it is wondrous to ponder if genetics or environment make us who we are. But for adopted people, we have no choice but to live in a world devoid of genetic mirroring. We live in our bodies that are housed in our environments.
Some of us experience great disparages of incompatibility with our adopters. Our physical selves are so vastly different from our adopters if we are born in a country or region of one race and ethnicity and adopted by another half a world away. For example, our genetics predisposes us to food allergies and intolerances, even to the point of serve illness or death if we eat something that our bodies cannot digest.
There are also considerations for adoptees of cultural and language differences, and vastly different religious practices between family of origin and family of adoption. But none of that is discussed in this article about this new book.
So you see, gsmwc02, while you mourn the fact that you cannot have biological children (that is what your website is all about), you are secure in knowing from where you came from, knowing who your parents are.
Adoptees are disadvantaged by the lack of knowledge of how we came to be.
And I’m sure you cannot even begin to comprehend what I’m talking about. All you are concerned about is “Clearly you only feel biological connections are familial”. If you broaden your scope of understanding, you just might begin to grasp the magnitude of being adopted.
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