Dear Jeremy and Jenny,
I saw your ad on April 24, 2017 posted in Tri-Cities, TN, Yard Sales, Trades & Wanted, with the title “Loving Couple Hoping to Adopt.” So good of you to include your telephone number, your email address, your website and your Facebook page. This is advertising to take another woman’s baby from her. Other words used to describe advertising to adopt are: trolling for children, child trafficking, kidnapping. You are instructed to use coercive language to convince a pregnant teen or young woman that she is not able to parent her own child.
Even though you say you know adoptees and see how they have bonded with their adoptive families, I thought you might want to hear from an adoptee to tell you the other side of adoption, the side you do not want to see.
The both of you may or may not be aware that there is such a thing as the adoption reform movement. We consist of mothers-of-adoption-loss and adoptees, lawyers, doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, clergy and many of us are authors who have been rising up against the established adoption practices of modern America since our movement began in 1953.
But you don’t care, you just want a baby. Any baby will do. And while you are coveting someone else’s baby, these are the words of a friend of mine who posted a link to the following article just last night on Facebook: “So you think this is far-fetched? Does this not describe the adoption and surrogacy industry? To a ‘T’.” She is referring to this article: We Live in the Reproductive Dystopia of “The Handmaid’s Tale” http://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/we-live-in-the-reproductive-dystopia-of-the-handmaids-tale
I suggest you read this article as the both of you have a lot to learn. But I doubt if you will take the time necessary to attempt to comprehend the magnitude of what you want to do to destroy a family so that you could have that baby of your dreams.
Me, I am a 61 year old adopted woman. I was raised as an only child by a father and a mother who did not want me to ever know the truth. They willfully kept me away from my full blood siblings. Yes, they knew the whole truth, but they wanted a child all to themselves. They got what they wanted. I was the innocent child who knew nothing. I loved my parents with every fiber of my being.
Until I was 18 in 1974. That’s when I was found by my full blood siblings: three sisters and a brother. We also had two step brothers, two step sisters, and a baby half-brother. (The add-ons were from our father’s subsequent marriages.) My siblings told me that I was the youngest of five children born to our mother. Our father told me that his wife, my mother, was dying while pregnant with me. Her body tried to survive so I was born early at 32 weeks gestation. My mother died three months later.
A Catholic priest told my father to give the baby (me) to two parents. He did. He kept the other four children, and got married to a woman he knew in high school. I will believe what my father told me the day we met. He said that the priest told him “the baby needs two parents”. My father made the choice to give me to a married couple he chose because he was a very religious man and followed the advice of his parish priest.
I was in the middle of two families. Everyone had their own versions of what happened. To my extended adopted family, most aunts and uncles thought I was disloyal to my adoptive parents. A few of my adoptive relatives were kind and compassionate, comforting me as they could see how traumatized I was at learning the truth in the way it was presented to me. My natural blood family also did not know how to proceed with a reunion as there were no guide books back then. I was the one in the middle, caught in the crossfire. Both sides expected me to be what I was not. I have had absolutely no contact for nearly 40 years with the sisters who found me. I want it that way. Not because I am against reunion, but because they are cruel, insanely vicious people. Today, there are only a few cousins from both families who truly love me, and I them.
Yes, my childhood was filled with joy, because I was a child. There were times, though, that I felt different. I was alone. Deep down, I knew I was not alone. But I was not allowed to know.
My innocent childhood was over the day I was contacted by my eldest sister who knew where I was for ten years before making that first phone call. I felt violated. I had no privacy. Everyone knew about me but I was the one who was not allowed to know the secret. No one cared how I felt. They were all too busy telling me how to feel and what I should do.
As a direct result of my reunion and the shock of all the lies my adoptive parents told me, and of all the hate heaped upon me, I became an activist and have been one since 1974. I have fought ever since against the laws that stole my birth certificate. I speak out against social and legal prejudice that marks adoptees as ungrateful and allows people like yourselves to troll for babies to adopt by advertising to lure a pregnant teen or young adult into your clutches.
Jenny and Jeremy, you desire a baby. So what? You have each other. You are both alive. My mother DIED at age 30! My mother DIED so that I could make my adopters HAPPY. I would rather have had my dead mother back to life and my siblings and my father as a family than the life full of lies and deceit, scapegoating, and loneliness I was forced to live because of adoption.
My mother’s name was Genevieve. They called her Gene. (I also see Genetics in her name. How appropriate.) They also called her Genny.
Jenny, how does the similarity in names feel? Kinda gets ya, or at least it should, Jenny. If she had lived, my mother (not my birthmother, my MOTHER, Genny) would be 90 years old now.
And, for the record, with all the fighting my adoptive mother caused between us, she always spoke of my mother as “your mother” as a sign of respect. Never once did my adoptive mother utter the words “birthmother” or “birthfather”. She always addressed my father as “your father”. To me, my adoptive father was also “my father”, just as my adoptive mother was always “my mother”.
How old are you, Jenny? Can you comprehend the losses I had to live through in the first three months of my life to make it possible for me to make my adoptive parents happy? Isn’t that an incredible burden to place upon one tiny premature infant? And to carry that burden throughout my life? Just to fulfill the desires of a childless couple?
No, I didn’t need a new home. I already had one. I needed my family, not a new, fabricated, one. I didn’t need a new name, or a new birth certificate, I already had a name and a birth certificate.
How much reading have you done on adoption psychology, Jenny and Jeremy? Do you know who Jean Paton was? She was my friend. Do you know who Annette Baron and Ruben Pannor were? They were my friends and colleagues. Look them up. Do you know who Betty Jean Lifton was? She was also my friend and colleague.
Do you know who Joe Soll is? Do you know who Carol Schaefer is? Do you know who Lorraine Dusky is? Do you know who Lori Carangelo is? Why not? Do you know what Americans For Open Records is? Why Not? Do you know who Sandy Musser is? Why not? Do you know who Lee Campbell is? Have you seen her historical videos on YouTube when she appeared on Teh Phil Donahue Show talking about Concerned Untied Birthparents? You don’t? Why Not? Do you know who Mirah Riben is? Why not? Look up her articles on Huffington Post. You will get a valuable education.
In fact, look up all of these names and you will see that they are authors. Some are adoptees, some are mothers of adoption loss. All of them are pioneers in adoption reform. And there are many, many others who have had the courage to speak out against the discriminatory system of adoption.
If you don’t know who these pioneers in adoption reform were, and are, then you know nothing about adoption. NOTHING.
Have you even been to an International adoption reform conference held by the American Adoption Conference? NO? How about Bastard Nation? NO?
I’ve been attending local and regional adoption support meetings for adoptees since 1975. How about you? I’ve been attending adoption reform conferences since 1976. How about you?
I know thousands of adoptees, mothers-of-adoption-loss from around the world. How about you?
Do you what the Baby Scoop was? Why not?
Do you know what the Stolen Generation was? Why not?
Do you know about the Magdalene Laundries? Why not? I know women who gave birth there, and women and men who were born there, survived, and are looking for their mothers. Do you?
Have you ever read any books on adoption social work and psychology? Adoption law? Have you read any books written by mothers-of-adoption-loss? By adoptees? By fathers? By therapists? NO? Why not?
Oh, yes, this is an important edit I am adding 24 hours after this post was published. Jenny and Jeremy, add this book to your reading list: The Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption by Kathryn Joyce. You will really like that one!
Jenny and Jeremy, have you ever really talked with women who have lost their infants at birth through forced adoption? They describe the event of birth and the immediate taking of their womb-fresh newborns as being “de-babbied” and “raped of baby at birth.”
Have you ever thought about what it feels like to an adoptee to celebrate the day they were born by feeling a tremendous sense of loss? Do you know how it feels to know that the day you were born was the day you were removed from the only mother you ever knew as you grew inside her? This thing called adoption prevents the natural order of life itself.
Will the adoption you choose be opened or closed? Open adoptions close all the time because once the adopters get the baby, they run. All the legal papers say the baby is theirs now, by birth, no less, so they close the adoption and leave no forwarding address.
And the child’s birth certificate is changed.
Do you want to start your relationship with someone else’s child you will call your own based on dishonesty, deception, and lies?
Jeremy, you will have nothing to do with siring the child. Jenny, you will not participate in the conception, or pregnancy, or the birth. Therefore, neither one of your names belongs on a birth certificate. But, adoption will provide you that privilege of having your names on a birth certificate for a baby you did not create, but hope to adopt.
Why do you want to participate in government-sanctioned lies?
Does your church promote lies? Is lying a sin?
If you are both honest people, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves for contemplating placing false facts on a birth certificate of a child you did not create.
Jeremy and Jenny, please, turn your desire for someone else’s baby into kindness and sympathy as to what young parents are going though when faced with an unplanned pregnancy. Do they need help to keep their family together? Do you really need to pry them apart? Can you help out by being there as friends, as care givers? As legal guardians for a child while the parents figure out what they need to do to pull their lives back together? You can love a child without legally changing the child’s name and birth certificate, or without forcing a child to give up their entire family so that you can have the experience of parenting.
You are pleading for a mother to give up her baby to you. And for a father to be unknown to his child. That is selfish and cruel of you.
Stop. Are you Christian? Would Jesus want you to ask a mother to give up her baby? What kind of people are you? Are you people of faith or are you predators?
Adoptees and mothers-of-adoption-loss have no choice but to accept what was done to us. We work tirelessly, without pay, to make sure not one more mother or father loses their child to predators like you. We work tirelessly, without pay, to change the laws so that we may access the truth of our births that was taken from us.
For adoptees and mothers of loss, we must Radically Accept that adoption has negatively affected us.
Now I am asking YOU to take on what we are told by our therapists: you must meditate and go into full Radical Acceptance of your situation. You must Radically Accept that you cannot have children because of a medical condition. Grabbing up someone else’s child will not cure your medical condition.
Radical Acceptance might cure you of your emotional need to take someone else’s child and pretend that child is yours. You are infertile. Adoption does not cure infertility. Neither does a false birth certificate that declares you sired and gave birth to a child you know you didn’t.
Jeremy and Jenny, the two of you are married. You have each other. You love each other. Be grateful for what you have. Radically Accept your lot in life and face reality. Hold on to each other for the true joy that you have, and then you would not cause others multitudes of lifelong emotional pain. To covet another woman’s child and another man’s child is a sin. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife….
Think about it.
Change your ways.
Repent your sins.
15 thoughts on “My Response to Jeremy and Jenny Advertising to Adopt in Yard Sales and Trades”
It astounds me that anyone could believe their future son or daughter will want to hear all about being found on a page alongside lost & found items, unwanted puppies & kittens, and used furniture. Talk about demeaning the value of human life, down to mere chattel.
From one bastard to another – THANK YOU!!!
Thank you for pointing that out! While the original post caught my attention because it was posted in Yard Sales and Trades, I grew increasingly upset by the obvious “It’s all about us – our needs and wants” in the original post.
Wow, I’m sorry that this happened to you.
Tell me how you would ‘fix’ the uncontrollable problem of state run foster care where 400,000 children in America are abondoned to? A system in which over 50% of the kids don’t finish high school and many will never have the acedemic prowless or financial freedom to write angry blogs.
I’m adopted also. Sure, I have abondonment issues…But non adopted people have MAJOR issues as well. People in general (especially us over entitled American’s) have issues.
Tell me a really really good solution to the 400,000 children and I might give your tirant more respect.
Spell much? Seems like you don’t’ have the “acedemic prowless” to write intelligently.
You are attempting to invalidate my post by using diminishing language, bringing in topics that have nothing to do with the content of the post: “But non adopted people have MAJOR issues as well. People in general (especially us over entitled American’s) have issues.”
De-railing the points I made. Nice tactics.
So, you are adopted. You don’t say! How much do you know about adoption? Or are you here to show your ignorance, just as you did attacking me on a closed group’s post?
Abandonment issues are one thing, but my post is not about that. At all.
“tirant”? Did you mean “tirade”? You are mad at me for being mad at you? You attacked me and I am not supposed to be angry? Flatter yourself that I allowed your comment to be posted.
So it seems you want to defend foster care. I do not have all the answers to fix foster care because my expertise is adoption. Adopting out of foster care is like adopting a child off the streets in a 3rd world country – you can “save” (if that is your goal) one child but you don’t fix the poverty or the politics. When kids are abandoned to foster care due to drug addicted parents or immature parents who land themselves in jail, these kids still miss their parents. And adopting them out of foster care still leaves drug addicted parents and criminality.
When I worked in a homeless shelter, I took a mother to court to get something from her husband in jail. They had 4 children. Those kids visited their father with their mother and wanted him to come back home. The mother was afraid of losing her kids to the system because she was poor. And the system could have taken her children away from her because she could not afford an apartment after her husband committed a crime and was in jail.
But, there are people out there who believe that those kids would benefit from being taken away from these miserable parents and given new parents. Wrong. You don’t solve a series of problems by creating new ones.
Just like adoption, foster care is a broken system. Fixing a broken system takes dedication, hard work, persistence. Political action. Lobbying. Sending vans of people to state legislature office buildings to meet with law makers. I have done this with groups on poverty issues, food banks, student loans, as well as adoption issues such as open records.
Re-read my post. Separating families is never a good idea. For the children who have been abandoned into foster care and for people who want to help these children, as I have said in my post, you can love a child without changing a child’s name and birth certificate. You can provide a home for a child who needs a home without causing that child to lose any contact and legal standing within her family by being a legal guardian. Adoption is completely unnecessary. Family preservation is the first goal. Kinship care is next. After that, legal guardianship. These three solutions preserve the child’s family (meaning that family relationships remain intact), and the child’s name and birth certificate and identity are also preserved.
The following are links to pages on my website and other websites, that you might find helpful in your questions. There are many other resources, but it is now 1:20 am. I have to be up work in the morning.
CHOSEN CHILDREN 2016: People as Commodities in America’s Failed Multi-Billion Dollar Foster Care, Adoption and Prison Industries
by Lori Carangelo (Author)
Lisa Ann, since you asked for foster care information, I thought I’d post here a few more links that will help you.
You might find this to be informative:
America’s taken is a website devoted to the families who were torn apart by Child Protective Services and the children fast-tracked into foster care and then to adoption against their will.
Here is a link to a conference you might like to attend. Why don’t you go see for yourself what foster care and adoption is about?
The conference title is: “Exploring the Impact of Foster Care, Adoption and Kinship Care on Identity.”
The Coalition’s 28th Annual New York State Foster Care and Adoption Conference will be held on Thursday, May 11 – Saturday, May 13, 2017 at the Albany Marriott in Albany, New York
Why was the baby boy taken away?
Lisa Ann, here is some more information on foster care, but I doubt this is what you are concerned about.
THE FOSTER CARE PROVIDER
BY GERI PFEIFFER
A person or persons who apply to be a temporary home for a child “in crisis”. Knowing what we now know about the child protection industry….”crisis” has a very loose definition. It can mean anything from a child that has been abused, to a child that is selected by a child welfare specialist because of the child’s adoptability factors. Those factors include skin color, sex, age, hair color, and eye color, damage, and potential earning ability for the agency.
That #TAKEN child will be immediately dumped in a shelter or a foster home. The foster home is randomly selected by availability of a bed. ….
You can read the rest of this article and view a video at https://www.facebook.com/AmericasTaken/videos/1004801736276987/
I’m fully aware of the hypocrisy of the system that government has created…It is a major problem in America, of which most are completely unaware of.
This problem is multiplied by our lack of understanding economics and spending trends. Because people choose to spend their money with companies that exploit their workers (any company who pays min. wage while making billions on their bottom line…while most of their employees qualify for welfare or food stamps)
I do agree with you on the subject of open records. I think that should happen.
Where we differ is that you extreme. I’ve never seen change come by extreme measures and this problem in America is now 400,000+ kids huge. Poverty causes a lot of this.
There are a lot of kids who legitimately need a safe and loving home. Many of these children 50 years ago would have been given up for adoption as a baby and would have had the kind of childhoods both of us were blessed to have.
The difference between us, from what I can tell, is that i knew from the time I could read that I was adopted. The first book I learned to read was about adoption.
It wasn’t hidden, my parents weren’t ashamed or overly worried about being honest. Everyone I went to school with knew and I wasn’t ashamed either. I looked into my adoption records when I was about 30 and learned enough to know that I would have grown up in poverty in a bigger city. Instead I grew up on a farm and had the resources to go to college.
These kids stuck in this system… most will end up homeless at some point, most will be under educated for their capacity, most will land in jail at some point, and most will never escape poverty.
Banning adoption doesn’t help this situation…
Yes, there is corruption.
It has existed for all of history.
When Paul was writing to the Corinthians he was actually writing against child abduction for the sake of sex houses for men. Stealing children for slavery wasn’t new so it’s not surprising that it happened as recently as our generation and in America.
There are lots of problems with all of this stuff…
But getting things done within this issue is more like throwing star fish back into the ocean one at a time than anything else. If you simply flooded the beach – other things would die.
I’m all good with you being on the war path… It’s not my calling… I care more about helping one kid at a time… and many times that means adoption.
I watched the video…Still don’t see a solution being presented … These women are like so many who are in control positions, the video below that video of the wonderful gay men who adopted four kids … that was a powerful story also… are you saying that those four kids don’t deserve having a good and safe environment to grow up in?
Sorry Lisa Ann, but there’s something I really don’t understand that seems implicit in every single one of your posts; that without having ALL the answers ourselves, we aren’t even ALLOWED to point out any problems. Please explain.
Dear Lisa Ann, this post is about a couple that wants a NEWBORN baby. This is different than fostering a child that needs a home. And, changing a foster child’s name and birth certificate is not so needed….legal guardianship would accomplish what is needed for the children that need a home and family…. I hope this helps to distinguish your thoughts with the author’s comments.
THIS RIGHT HERE IS GOLD!
thank you so much for writing this.
This brought a smile to me! And you are welcome!
I just hope this reaches the people it is intended to reach.
Adoptive-parent wanna-bees need a dose of reality. They tend to live in a sense of Entitlement.
I applaud your powerful way with words and your many years of activism. Infant adoption should not be allowed to continue.
Thank you. It is nice to be validated after all these years of being trashed-talked and put-down for being who I am. Yes, infant adoption fresh out of the womb should be abolished. Older child adoption should be abolished as well.
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